Lightening things up...

Because the last few posts haven't exactly been cheery, I thought I would also document a little something I made for my niece, who turned three recently. I had never seen Tinkerbell before (I grew up under a rock, otherwise known as hippie-land) so it was quite fun to do this for her. Thanks google :)

Symbol Work

I recently went through a particularly difficult period in which I found myself grasping for a reason to continue through what seemed like a haze of thick blackness - in spite of many many reasons to be grateful. During that time, I agreed to try some symbol work using natural objects, and this is what came out. I felt that my mind was feeling like the dark stone, a sense of nothingness. But realistically, I knew that if I could only pull aside or find a way through that haze (represented by the shells) a much more inspired and interesting mind lay beneath. Turns out that perhaps it wasn't so much about cutting through the haze as sitting with and allowing myself to be in it - in order to find it lifting on its own. Still, I admit I am afraid of going back there.

Out of Control

My strong desire for order and control are being severely tested at the moment. In addition my values around individual empowerment and the right of each individual to decide what happens to their body are also being put to the test. My mum decided to delay surgery and chemo/radiation in order to go on a health retreat/cleanse. Now - don't get me wrong I have nothing against the whole idea of cleansing ones body; however, I can't help but think that getting the cancer OUT would be a good first step. At the same time, I know this decision is consistent with what she believes is best for her own body. Its hard accepting that when the consequences if things go wrong would be so devastating.

I went with my mum yesterday to tell my Nana (age 96) that she has cancer. It was a strange a surreal experience, sitting in the kitchen of the home my mum grew up in, watching my Nan, who I have spent many hours with over many years, crying for the first time (as in, the first time I have seen her cry). Not only that, she cried about five times over the space of a few hours, that kind of deep emotional wrenching where you can't speak because of the effort it is taking to hold it in. I wanted to take that pain away, for both of them. This is the third daughter/step-daughter my Nan will have nursed through breast cancer.

I find myself terrified as the concept death stares me in the face. At the same time I feel an urgency not to allow my mind to go there. I just have no idea how or with whom to explore this - I wonder how most people come to understand and process the fact that we all die, eventually, and the fact that others around them are dying. To me its horrifying and I wonder if its because I am young or whether something else might be wrong with me. Do other people just not talk about this? I want to explore and make peace with this, but somehow it seems now might not be the best time?

Perhaps its mental exhaustion, stress or whatever, but I feel a darkness settling over me. I hope it doesn't stay.

Time moving slowly...

I found out on Sunday that my mum has cancer. Since then it feels like time has been moving really slowly, as though I have known this forever and that wait for her to get surgery is taking a lifetime. I think I'm in shock. Every night I find myself imagining that this might be a terrible dream and when I wake up, I will realize I made it up inside my own head. My mum is one of the healthiest people I know and always has been. I wonder how and why this is happening and wish I could find someway to wind things back and prevent it.

I have found myself busy with meetings, arranging compassionate leave, dropping commitments to make as much space as possible in my life (all the while under pressure to move house next week). When people ask me how I am I stop for a moment and realize I am afraid to connect with the fear, sadness and shock that I worry might overwhelm me. I wonder if this is an over reaction.

It was only two weeks ago that I was considering my values - family being at the top. I looked at the VLQ and where I was sitting in terms of my values and my actions (was I living in line with them) and wasn't doing so bad (except in the area of spirituality, which is always sorely neglected). All of a sudden, some of the things I thought and have always said I value highly (education, travel for example) don't seem to matter in the face of this. I wonder if its just that this is so big, I can't see the other things I value past it, or whether an experience like this might fundamentally change what I always thought mattered?

I haven't had a lot of words for what I am experiencing right now. But I did some scribbling on Monday to try to find an outlet for what was going on inside me. Shared above.

By Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Why Antria?

Antria is a Greek word for courage. I like the idea of having courage to change, to seek out ones unknown potential and to have the flexibility to move, rather than get stuck in the safety of rules and inflexibility.

I am also Greek Australian, and although I don't speak Greek (yet!) my time in Greece, connection with my family and connection to this part of my heritage are all important to me :)

A few things I love...

What do I love? Things like markets, sunshine, coffee, quirky fashion (which I never have the money to attain for myself), family, friends, yoga...art. Here's some of that, in picture form.