My strong desire for order and control are being severely tested at the moment. In addition my values around individual empowerment and the right of each individual to decide what happens to their body are also being put to the test. My mum decided to delay surgery and chemo/radiation in order to go on a health retreat/cleanse. Now - don't get me wrong I have nothing against the whole idea of cleansing ones body; however, I can't help but think that getting the cancer OUT would be a good first step. At the same time, I know this decision is consistent with what she believes is best for her own body. Its hard accepting that when the consequences if things go wrong would be so devastating.
I went with my mum yesterday to tell my Nana (age 96) that she has cancer. It was a strange a surreal experience, sitting in the kitchen of the home my mum grew up in, watching my Nan, who I have spent many hours with over many years, crying for the first time (as in, the first time I have seen her cry). Not only that, she cried about five times over the space of a few hours, that kind of deep emotional wrenching where you can't speak because of the effort it is taking to hold it in. I wanted to take that pain away, for both of them. This is the third daughter/step-daughter my Nan will have nursed through breast cancer.
I find myself terrified as the concept death stares me in the face. At the same time I feel an urgency not to allow my mind to go there. I just have no idea how or with whom to explore this - I wonder how most people come to understand and process the fact that we all die, eventually, and the fact that others around them are dying. To me its horrifying and I wonder if its because I am young or whether something else might be wrong with me. Do other people just not talk about this? I want to explore and make peace with this, but somehow it seems now might not be the best time?
Perhaps its mental exhaustion, stress or whatever, but I feel a darkness settling over me. I hope it doesn't stay.
Hi Antria, I have just discovered your blog after you posted a comment on mine. Well done for making a start in writing so honestly and openly about your life.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate how hard it must be for you right now to be coping with your mum's diagnosis of breast cancer. In addition you have written about her decision to delay treatment, and how difficult that is to accept. And thirdly the visit to your Nan to tell her the news, and her intense crying. This is a lot to have to deal with and some of the questions you ask in this post are very important ones.
I want you to know that the questions you ask are completely normal and that yes, perhaps these are things we don't always feel comfortable talking about. I am pretty certain there is nothing wrong with you! Often we avoid talking for the fear that talking will take us to that dark place again. From my own experience however, talking to someone is always better than keeping things to myself. And the dark place, is just that, it actually means sitting with those feelings, and accepting they are part of you.
My father died last year after having prostate cancer for some years, and then having a series of strokes - I am older than you yes, but I felt his loss deeply and its still hard at times, and my younger sister struggled a lot more than me, as we all have different responses to some extent. She has found it helpful to get online support via a bereavement group.
As you would have realised, I am an art therapist and I would suggest that using your art as you have been in your blog, is one way to help understand and process your feelings. It may also be worth thinking about talking to someone (either a close friend, other family member or a counsellor) yourself, if you think it may help.
If you have not heard of a book called the Happiness Trap, by Russ Harris, I would suggest that this could also be helpful. It is about Acceptance and commitment therapy and is a very easy read with lots of suggestions about things you can do to cope in different ways, and in understanding our feelings and thoughts.
I hope you don't mind me making these suggestions, after all, we don't know each other! Feel free to ignore this if it doesn't feel right. If its helpful, let me know! I think that blogging has a lot of potential for therapeutic conversations between people.
best wishes
Claire
Hi Claire - I wanted to check in and say thankyou for your comment here. I actually read this months ago - soon after you wrote it, and really appreciated it :). Thankyou for sharing your experience with your dad, and the process of adjusting. I actually didn't intend to blog about such deep things - I just happened to start a blog a short time before my mum got her diagnosis of cancer and initially was using some creative processes to help me cope, which is why I shared here :)
ReplyDeleteI have The Happiness Trap, and I think a big part of this process for me has been around adjusting to the realization that difficult times are likely to always be a part of my life. On the other hand, I have really had the chance to make some decisions based on my values - such as prioritizing family, being willing to sit with the discomfort associated with thoughts about mortality and meaning and as a result of being willing to feel those feelings, being able to be there with my mum and have the important conversations about life and death - mindfulness helped with this, as well :)
I do see a counselor and we use some art as part of this process. I haven't done as much with this myself as I was hoping to this year - but for now not being too hard on myself for that. Perhaps a goal for 2012 :)
Thanks again for your response.